The Jig Is Finally Up With Prince William’s Dome

January 18, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

It’s been thirty-five-years in the making, but Prince William has now, for the first time, officially buzzed his head, and the Internet is eating up every failed follicle on his bald dome. If The Crown has taught me anything it’s that the Royal Family doesn’t have a hell of a lot going on, and randomly that Matt […]

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#MeToo Trademarked Makeup Could Be On The Way

January 18, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

The #MeThree! movement was officially laid to rest when Aziz Ansari’s anonymous sexual assault accuser detailed events in her EXPOSÉ that occur in about nine out of ten dates nationwide. Bari Weiss even wrote in The New York Times that the encounter reads as nothing more than  “bad sex.” Just look at Ansari. It was going to […]

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Ellen Pompeo On Weinstein: I Batted “The S*** Out Of My Eyelashes”

January 17, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

I was once told that the actors who really have it figured out are the ones that nab spots on long-running television shows. By not having to jet set from project to project, they can settle their asses down, have kids, and basically mimic the lives of nobodies, morning commute and all. Except they get […]

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Lena Dunham’s Ex-girlfriend’s Life “Reduced To Dumb Hetero Normative Gossip”

January 17, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Corrections and clarifications: In the article “Lena Dunham Single” we mistakingly identified Jack Antonoff as a man. He is in fact a strong powerful woman. Thanks for your understanding. So, yeah, Lena Dunham can now hunker down with her best and closest friends Ben & Jerry while crying over the five-hour-long BBC Pride & Prejudice, […]

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Michael Douglas Preemptive Hollywood Masturbation Club Cardholder

January 16, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Douglas is going full court press, releasing this long ass tale about how he’s never even looked at a woman before. What even are women? Never heard of ’em. Boobs? Sorry I don’t follow

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Lady Gaga’s Gross Wine Rejected By U.S. Patent Office

January 16, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Any Z-list Real Housewife who’s anybody knows that there’s nothing classier than releasing a bottom-shelf wine available for purchase at your local gas station. So it makes sense that Lady Gaga, who at this point has just a hair more prestige than a drunk whore on Bravo, is hell-bent on releasing her own witch’s brew. […]

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Demi Lovato Is Totally Bisexual For Kristen Stewart Okay

January 15, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Demi Lovato is an openly fluid bisexual pan-seared queer member of the LGBTQABCXYZ community, and don’t you forget it! The totally open and inclusive starlet sat down with the Peter Pan that unfortunately did age, hard, Ellen Degeneres, to play a classic game of Who’d You Rather featuring the who’s who of bangable celebrities like parking […]

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Kris Jenner Furious That People Are Exploiting Kylie Jenner

January 15, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

The ability to self-reflect – to truly have a come-to-Jesus with oneself in order to understand both one’s strengths and weaknesses – is alive and well in the Jenndashian household! And if you don’t believe me, just check out these totally self-aware and not at all delusional and sociopathic comments from Madam Kris Jenner regarding […]

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Wendy Williams Exploits Insane Person For Crappy Talk Show

January 14, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Wendy Williams, Dr. Phil, Maury Povich, and yes, sorry selfless and brave wearers of Time’s Up pins, even Oprah are all equally guilty of capitalizing on crazy for sensationalistic interviews, and they are all equally guilty of having the nerve to publically drill their test subjects under the guise of benevolence. But rather than extending a […]

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Remember Gollum? What He Looks Like Now Will Shock You

January 13, 2018 | celebrity | Sam Robeson| 0 Comments

Sassy and near-death starlet Tara Reid jetted off the Tulum Mexico looking more like Gollum than ever, and made sure to flaunt every part of her melting candle body in multiple hot bikinis. If you like old house cats with bellies that seem completely detached from their bodies, or if you saw E.T. and thought […]

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